The Most Epic Civic Ever Sold

"JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!" (jqj213)
08/21/2013 at 19:22 • Filed to: LOLcars, craigslist, craigslist finds, civic, honda civic, funny, funny ad

The following ad is real. I found it in my local Craigslist classifieds. It claims to be "The Most Epic Civic Ever Sold". The ad may be one of the best ads I've read in a while. I have it copied and pasted below, just in case it goes away. Enjoy!

This is Taffeta White. She's good and she's strong and she's for sale. BUT THAT DON'T MEAN SHE AIN'T GOT CLASS.

She's seen things you people wouldn't believe... Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion... C-beams glittering in the the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate... All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain...

UNLESS YOU BUY HER.

Boy, am I glad I did! HAHAHA!! It is soooooooo hard getting around without a car, RIGHT? It's like, WHOA. I need to go THERE? But I'm all the way over HERE? That will take FOREVER! See what I mean?? You could totally use a car like Taffeta White.

Taffeta White will GET THE JOB DONE, PEOPLE! Point A to Point B? In a heartbeat. Point B to Point C?? Sriously?! YES, SHE CAN! ... POINT C to POINT A?!?!?! Now that's where I gotta stop you. She ain't the DeLorean. This is Taffeta White we're talking about. As if.

Now, let's make some distinctions. You see The Girls up there in Taffeta? That's Kit Kat and Ollie. They don't come with Taffeta. In fact, you know what? That whole day was a mistake. Don't ever let The Girls drive. (Girls just wanna have fun.) Taffeta was fine, of course, and now we have a cool story.

Speaking of stories, Taffeta has them IN SPADES! Like... Hey, Taffeta. Remember the time that older fella backed into your driver side rear panel and it just made this dent and I felt bad because he was like, "I don't have the money..." and he looked like he would cry and I was like, cwaaaaaaaap and then I didn't call him back and I felt kinda bad for you but then you were like "It's ok, honey - I still love you" and then you still got me everywhere I needed to go without any issues and you didn't seem to mind?! Remember that, Taffeta?? Thank you, Taffeta. People, that's a GOOD KARMA DENT. GOOD KARMA. Know the difference.

Or... OR... Hey, Taffeta! Remember that time when we were on the highway and that piece o' gravel came out of NOWHERE and smacked your beautiful clear windshield and then the Texas winter winds blew and blew and then that tiny little crack became like this thing that was like, "Me HUNGRY... Me want WINDSHIELD... OhhhhhHHHHH, OM NOM NOM!!!" and then your windshield... your beautiful windshield... but you were like "C'est la vie, mon chérie. C'est. La. Vie." You're the best, Taffy! I've always said so. Cracked windshield and all!

And then there's the one about the front passenger side window that won't go down. And the one about the smell... Hey! HEY! You don't have epic times in an epic car without consequences. Did you think good times smelled good?? The good times air out, too. Just crack the window for a minute. So there you go.

Whatever. The Taffeta stands alone. BOOM.

You'd think with all those stories that SURELY the Check Engine light would be on. You'd THINK. But you'd be wrong! Taffeta don't care!!

And you see that other pic? The one with the Kelley Blue Book? It's a screenshot. I learned how to take screenshots FOR SUCH A TIME AS THIS. (I don't even know why we have to talk price. It's just not right. Not with Taffeta. Curse you, monetary constraints of this mortal coil! KHAAAAN!!!) Blue Book says she's worth $2k an' a half. As I say - she's got class. BUT I HAVE A SPECIAL PRICE FOR YOU:

$2,247!

(Joey says, "WHOA!")

That's right. This price has a BUILT-IN DISCOUNT. Why? Because you can't put a price on Taffeta. You can't. You. Just. Can't. Greater mortals than I have tried and failed. But here it is. This moment.

You know, all this reminds me of a fortune cookie I recently got: "Leadership is action, not position." Wait. No, that's not it. Oh, okay... Here it is: "Fate happens now, you decide." Wow! Ya see that? That's real power. The Power of Taffeta. Just... goosebumps.

So call me, maybe.

Stephen
(XXX) XXX-XXXX

This is the other picture in the ad.

And here is a !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! .

DISCUSSION (6)

Sparf > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/21/2013 at 19:26

Proper spelling, capitalization, grammar and even nice paragraphs... WOW! This must be the first time I've seen any of those things in a car ad.

JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder! > Sparf
08/21/2013 at 19:27

I know... and it is still funny and entertaining.. it is one of the best ads I have read in a long time.

Osiris - I can haz Euro spec? > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/21/2013 at 19:38

Truly epic. One of the best Craigslist stories I've read in a while!

There's a name for what I got, but it got forgotten > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/21/2013 at 22:09

Oh man, this guy has class....and by class I mean he's got his finger on the G spot of social boundary and grammatical excellence. This is a model, a one off. I laughed, I cried, but I still would never own a Civic.

a cat named scruffy- live from Caldor > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/22/2013 at 00:32

Cocaine is a hell of a drug.

Makoyouidiot > JQJ213- Now With An Extra Cylinder!
08/22/2013 at 12:34

I dunno about the civic. But that ad is epic.